The PhanTOM of the Junkyard
by Mistoffelees' Magical Sweater
Summary: Oneshot. Quite honestly a stupid fic. Although I think it's funny. You don't have to have listened to the Phantom of the Opera to get the drift. Rated T for the near roasting. Nothing bad though. Revies neccesary for my existance.


Disclaimer: I do not own CATS the musical, it's characters, The Phantom of the Opera, it's lyrics, Wicked, it's lyrics, the Grinch that stole Christmas, or any various Maybelline beauty products. Now you know you're curious.

A/N- Right, so once upon a time there was a very bored fan fiction writer whose Fan Mail story got taken off. She then contemplated how a PhanTOM could be one our beloved kitties. Now I know what you're thinking…Macavity is the Phantom, Munkustrap is Raoul, and Jemima is that stupid twit Christine. However, you are wrong….and you have been warned. This really is a stupid fic. However, I find it amusing.

Much love,

Mistoffelees' Magical Sweater

P.S. I actually do get a thrill in making fun of the Phantom of the Opera…especially the movie. By the way…there are a few mentions of Wicked and the Grinch….but nothing important.

"_Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair! Down we plunge to the prison of my mind! Down that path into darkness deep as hell!"_ Oh Everlasting Cat that was dreadfully off key. Yet I never did confess to being a Gerard Butler….or a Michael Crawford…..but I'll show them. The Great Rumpus Cat can wail all night!

"_Why do you ask was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place!? Not for any mortal sin but the wickedness of abhorrent hair!"_ I did stick up rather annoyingly and more often than not was the plot for much joking.

I could hear the cat mob screaming behind us_…"NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!"_ Wait…that was the wrong musical wasn't it? I laughed in my throat and turned roaring at them, "You stupid groomed pets! The line is 'Track down this murderer he must be found!'"

They all stopped suddenly staring at me. Mistoffelees swallowed, side glancing at the other cats, "Y...You mean you….. _murdered _someone!?"

I rolled my eyes. My big dramatic awakening and they decide to play the dumb card.

"No!" Munkustrap cried, "But he stole my daughter! GET HIM!"

Gee you _borrow _one queen and the whole tribe goes berserk.

"_Catted out by everyone. Met with hatred everywhere. No kind word from anyone, no compassion anywhere. Victoria! Victoria! Why? WHY?"_ I wiggled into the small space behind the old oven, pulling my beloved with me, and cackling like Macavity.

Ooo a rat! Ademetus scooped it up shoveling it down. Tasty…and all this running was giving him quite the appetite. Besides, he thought, doesn't the hero of the story deserve a little snack?

"Will you come ON?" Jennyanydots urged pulling him along.

"Will you shut up?" he retorted, "All this time you've been jabbering on and on. 'Go faster! Stop complaining! Watch out for trapdoors!' And I myself and getting most tired of listening to you say—"

She jerked his arm up, clutching her own throat, and in a terrified whisper said, what he thought to be, the eight most irritating words in all Heaviside, _"Your paw at the level of your eyes!"_

Ademetus could hear the mob, a few still blaring away at _"WICKEDNESS MUST BE PUNISHED"_. However most had fixed their lyric mistake, _"Your paw at the level of your eyes. Track down this murderer he must be found! Hunt out this animal who runs to ground! To long he's preyed on us but now we know the PhanTOM of the junkyard is here behind the oven!"_

She was clearly unhappy. Although I don't think she minded the idea of the entire junkyard going on a mad raid to rescue her. Still, I doubt she found being cramped beside me in the small space behind the oven entirely worth it. She flicked her tail.

_"Have you gorged yourself at last in your lust for blood? Am I now to be prey to your lust for fur?"_

I sneered, _"That fate which condemns me to wallow in blood has also denied me the joys of the fur. This hair the infection which poisons our love!" _And it did really. I couldn't even kiss her properly without getting hair in her mouth, _"This hair which earned a tribe's fear and loathing. Human hair gel, my first, of many useless products. Pity comes too late! Turn around and face your fate! An eternity of this before your eyes!" _

I had been battling the ultimate question for some time now. Maybe it's my hair. Maybe it's Maybelline.

Victoria crinkled her nose, _"This haunted hair holds no horror for me now. It's in your soul that the true distortion lies."_ She paused, "Oh who am I kidding? Your hair sucks. Maybe you could like… have it chopped off with a weed wacker."

Oh she was going to pay.

"Wait!" I cried, my eyes glowing more so then usual, "I think my dear we have a guest! Sir, this is indeed an unparalleled delight! I had rather hoped that you would come and now my wish comes true! You have truly made my night!"

Ademetus was batting at a fly hovering around his face, "I hate these flies…when will they go AWAY?"

"Ahem." I said tapping my paw, he looked at me.

"What?" he asked, "OH right! _Free_ _her! Do what you like only free her! Have you no pity!?"_

I turned my face to Victoria, "Your lover makes a passionate plea!"

She crossed her arms, "I'm not saying it's useless."

I rolled my eyes and she turned to Ademetus, "because if you don't get me out of here I'll have you banished and fed to a Pollicle!"

He stood up on his toes and stuck his paws out and began twirling like a ballerina. He replied mockingly in a high pitched voice, "Oh I'll have you banished and fed to a pollicle and blah blah blah!" He dropped down, "Well you look like a pollicle!"

Eyes widening, she furiously opened her mouth—

"AHEM!" I said loudly.

Ademetus rolled his eyes, _"I love her! Does that mean nothing? I love her! Show some compassion!"_

"The tribe showed no compassion to me!" I cried.

_"Victoria! Victoria! Let me see her!"_

I knew my eyes were blazing, "Be my guest sir," I stepped aside and Ademetus seemed rather proud of himself, _"Monsieur I bid you welcome did you think that I would harm her? Why should I make her pay for the sins which are YOURS?" _

Being a bit bigger then Ademetus, when he walked by me I grabbed him dragging him out from behind the oven.

"HEY! That's my fur!"

I kicked open the broken door to the oven, flinging him inside and slamming it shut.

_"Order your fine mousers now! Raise up your paw to the level of your eyes! Nothing can save you now except perhaps Victoria!"_

I heard a sigh from inside the oven, "Then I'm doomed."

Victoria called out, "You bet your tail you are!"

This was not going how I wanted it to. I jerked her up, "_Start a new life with me. Buy his freedom with your love! Refuse me and you send your lover to preheat! This is the choice! This is the point of no return!" _

She stared at me, _"The tears I might have shed for your dark fate….grow cold and turn to tears of JOY!"_ She leapt in the air singing, _"No more Ademetus, a ba ba ba ba ba ba BA."_

She was ruining it!

Ademetus yelped, "_Victoria forgive me! Please forgive me! I did it all for you and all for nothing!" _

Victoria patted the oven, "_Farewell my fallen idiot and false friend. One by one the day keeps getting better!"_

I sat on the ground, burying my head in my paws, _"Past all hope of cries for help. No point in fighting…."_

Ademetus was trying to talk sense to her, _"Either way you choose he has to win."_

I tried to help, _"For either way you choose you cannot win. So do you end your days with me? Or do you send him to his GRAVE?"_

She however seemed blind to it, _"No more Ademetus!"_

Ademetus was terrified, "SHUTUP RUMPUS!"

I whispered in her ear, _"Past the point of no return…."_

_"Why this kindness?"_ She whispered back.

_"For pity's sake Victoria SAVE ME!"_ Ademetus screamed.

_"The final threshold…."_ I continued.

_"Throw your life away to save me!"_ He pleaded, _"I fought so hard to free you!"_

I finished, _"His life is now the prize which you much earn. You've past the point of no return."_

_"No more Ademetus!"_

I suppose he thought he'd make one more pitiful attempt, "I love you Victoria!"

Well that did the trick. She stopped singing and looked at the oven, "You do?"

"Of course I do!"

She crossed her paws, unconvinced, "Are you just saying that to avoid being roasted?"

"If I wanted to avoid being roasted, I wouldn't have come in the first place!"

Victoria's face softened as she stared at the oven, but when she turned to look at me her glare was cold as ice, "_You deceived me. I gave my mind blindly."_

I was practically ripping my hair out at her bi polar behavior, "You try my patience! Make your choice!"

She stared at me for a long moment, her eyes traveling from my grotesque hair all the way down to my unclipped claws. Then she sang, _"Pitiful creature of poor hair care what kind of life have you known? Everlasting Cat give me courage to show you….you need a makeover!"_

I stared at her.

A smile formed on her face, "I could help you, you know…I could make you popular!" She placed her right paw over her heart, _"Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I…and let's face it…who isn't less fortunate than—"_

"DON'T SING IT!" I bellowed. The last thing I needed to hear was that disgusting song!

Already I could hear the mob picking up cue again. I peeked out around the corner to see them coming. Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer were skipping singing, _"POOR VICTORIA FORCE' TAH RASIDE WIT' SOMONE SO DISGUSTICFIED!"_

While Munkustrap was leading the others in the tune that was beginning to get a little old, _"Track down this murderer he must be found!"_

The madness had to stop! I jerked open the oven door, and did what I knew I had to while the mob still sang.

"Take her. Forget me. Forget all of this."

_"Who is this monster this murdering beast?"_ Alonzo cried.

"Leave me alone. Forget all you've seen. Go now. Don't let them find you."

"Revenge for Victoria!" shouted Plato.

"Revenge for Ademetus!" Bombalurina added.

"Take Victoria. Leave me here. Go now. Don't wait."

_"Too long he's preyed on us! But now we know!"_

"Just take her and go before it's too late."

_"The PhanTOM of the junkyard is here behind the oven!"_

"GO NOW! GO NOW AND LEAVE ME!"

Ademetus grabbed Victoria's paw pulling her away. Finally, some peace. My plan had fallen apart but at least I didn't have to listen to the insanity that the last hour had held. I sat on the pavement, resting my head against my knees. Basking in the silence…and then….I felt a tiny paw on my back. It was Victoria.

"Um…" she said nervously, "are you sure you don't want to take me up on my offer? _Don't be offended by my frank analysis! Think of it as personality dialysis!" _

"Get away from me," I said quietly.

"But you could be popular! _Just not quite as popular as ME!" _

"I SAID GET AWAY FROM ME!!"

She tucked her tail between her legs and ran for the mob. I layed my head back down, breathing deeply, attempting to release my irritation. All was quiet. And then it happened. It started in low and then it started to grow. I looked up to find Jemima in the utmost corner of the junkyard singing,

_"He alone can make our hair look flat. We love him still our dear Rumpus Cat."_

It never ended.

FIN

Well how was it? You know the drill. Reviews necessary for my existence.


End file.
